What I Think of Things: The Feminine Mistake

Yesterday, the Cute One posted this entry about Leslie Bennetts' Feminine Mistake. Salon.com's Joan Walsh wrote what I think is a good review of the book, looking at both its strengths and weaknesses. What I find particularly important, is that she pointed out that really only a very small percentage of the women in our society even have the option of choosing to work or not to work. The vast majority have to work in order to support their families and their children.

Most of my friends with children have chosen to stay home with them, at least while they are small. Leslie Bennetts would argue that they are throwing away their financial independance, and their chance to make a meaningful contribution to the world; and also their chance to feel they have a meaningful occupation. She claims that women do not consider that their husbands might at some point not be able to support them, and that they are blithely and naively giving up the chance to be happy and financially independant. She argues that women would not make the choice to leave the workforce if they have all of the facts.

I just don't think that's true. My friends are thoughtful, intelligent, highly educated women, who don't "flaunt their unused ivy league degrees like a diamond". They have decided that they want to have the time with their children, that they don't want to miss those first years that fly by all too quickly. And of course it isn't always a bed of roses, there are frustrations and difficulties. One of my friends sometimes feels that she is losing herself and she misses adult conversation. But at the same time, although she sometimes says she envies my life (not all of it, just some of it...), I don't think she would make a different choice. She believes she's done the right thing, and she is mostly very happy with her decision. But I think that that is true for all of us, whether we are stay-at-home moms or single career women -- some days, we love the choices we've made; other days, we think "what if"; and some days, we wish we could check out the other side of the fence, and really experience what happens there.

And that brings me to me. I'm not a stay-at-home mom. I'm not a mom at all, nor anywhere near being a mom --- I'm almost 36 and not married, and not dating anyone seriously. You can all do the math. Now, I don't really know if I want to be a mother. To be perfectly frank, I don't think about it very much, because I'm not in a position to change anything. I know for certain that I don't want to be a single mother. Not that people don't do it very well, but I just know that that wouldn't be for me. So, I won't worry about it until I do get married or have a more permanent partner. And then maybe. So, what would I do if I had a child? Would I continue in my career or choose to stay at home? I have no idea. But I think both choices are valid, and we need to respect the women who have made them, and not condescend to them that they have either thrown away their chance at being "real women" (i.e. mothers) or "truly happy" (i.e. successful career women).

Peace and Love....